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The Adventures of Garrosh Hellscream Chapter 1: The Escape(s)

by KoL

KoL Garrosh is thrown in prison for being a terrible Warchief and killing people for no reason. Using his pathetically limited intelligence, he attempts to escape.
Breaking out of panda prison has been about as hard as Garrosh expected, what with him being about a half-ton of muscle and the so called “prison” being made of bamboo twigs. The thickness of Garrosh's skull was more than enough to smash through the bars with ease, and due to Garrosh's severe lack of functional brain, the risk of concussion was nonexistent. The pandaren guards had tried to stop his escape once they realized that his mindless head-banging against the prison bars had in fact broken him free, but there's only so much grace an obese, humanoid panda can have when attempting flying kicks. Garrosh had knocked them both out cold simply by raising his fists into the air, causing both pandaren's lower jaws to collide and shatter against Garrosh's giant fists as the two had attempted their trademark flying kicks against him. After spending a good half a minute gloating about how easily he'd broken free, Garrosh realized he'd need to make himself scarce fast if his new-found freedom were to be maintained, not that the pandaren could ever hope to catch him again if he simply decided to run away. However, Garrosh realized that escape would actually be a good idea, and that just wasn't going to fly. Finding an axe was more important than trying to actually escape for whatever reason.

Luckily for Garrosh, his stupidity was rewarded; a woodcutter had carelessly left his axe laying around. Garrosh heard an alarm bell go off in the distance as he picked up his new weapon; the pandaren had spotted him and were approaching... well, what would have been fast for a pandaren, but rather slowly for any species that wasn't fat. Garrosh knew he could easily escape by running, but orcs never run from battle, so Garrosh raised his axe and prepared to fight off the pandaren attack.

Garrosh was glad that the pandaren weren't much smarter than he was; after he was horribly outnumbered and thrown back into prison again, the pandaren apparently had failed to realize that bamboo prison bars weren't much use against an orc of his size. Also, the pandaren guards had made the rather stupid mistake of standing right outside the bars of his cell with their backs turned, and once Garrosh had reached through the bars and smashed the pandaren's skulls into chunky salsa with his fists, he broke himself free once again and this time decided to actually make himself scarce as fast as possible.

“Foolish pandaren!” Garrosh yelled once he was far enough away from the prison, apparently unaware that someone may be following him and that that someone would probably have heard his voice. “They are no match for a true orc warrior!” he added, still not bothering to lower his voice. Garrosh realized he was quite hungry; the pandaren hadn't exactly fed him well while he was imprisoned and Garrosh loved his pork very much, so he decided to try and find some animals to kill and eat before he focused on getting himself off Pandaria and back to Kalimdor. Unfortunately the pandaren he'd betrayed his position to with his idiotic yelling had managed to catch up to him during the several minutes it had taken for Garrosh to realize he was hungry; one quaking palm technique later and Garrosh had been knocked unconscious and dragged back to prison yet again. Luckily the pandaren had spent so much time arguing about who would be the ones to guard Garrosh's cell and risk being punched out that Garrosh was able to escape for a third time before they could assign anyone to stop him, and although Garrosh hadn't learned not to yell and gloat after escaping, the pandaren had taken so long to realize he'd escaped again that he managed to get away with it this time. After another few minutes of mercifully quiet contemplation only brought about because thinking and speaking at the same time was too arduous for Garrosh, he remembered he was hungry and needed food. Pandaria was full of wild animals luckily, so killing one for meat shouldn't be too hard, Garrosh thought to himself. After finding and punching out a wild goat and ripping out all the tender meat he could, Garrosh decided to locate a fire to cook the meat over. It didn't take him long to find one fortunately, but Garrosh hadn't realized the possible issues of using a cooking fire in the middle of a pandaren village when he was meant to be on the run, and the inevitable happened yet again.

“Damn it all, this is the second time I've been thrown in prison today!” Garrosh yelled angrily.

“Actually, it's...” the pandaren guard replied under his heavily plated helmet, “...oh never mind.”