(intro music plays)
Hippy Dude: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.
Jason, Kyle, and Stan: Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation!
Hippy Dude: Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.
Cartman: Ample parking day or night, people spouting "Howdy neighbor!"
Hippy Dude: Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.
Kenny: (muffled stuff)
Hippy Dude: Come on down to South Park, and meet some friends o' mine!
Kyle: Hey, have you guys heard about that new kid who's coming to school today?
Stan: I hope his farts aren't powerful.
Kenny: (muffled stuff)
Cartman: ...yeah.
Jason: Oh, hey guys.
Stan: Oh, hey, you're at our bus stop?
Jason: Yeah, I'm pretty sure you guys at least saw the boxes of me moving in next to Stan, right?
Cartman: What?
Stan: Oh, I thought that was a different guy. People move here all the time.
Jason: Nope, it was me.
Stan: What did you say your name was?
Jason: Jason.
Stan: Well, okay.
Cartman: Ha, he looks like a jew!
Jason: That's because I am a jew.
Cartman: HA! Haha! Hahaha!
Kyle: It's gonna be a looong life for you, Jason.
(TRANSITION)
Butters: Well, it was nice meeting you, Jason.
Jason: You too. Have a nice day, Butters! (opens locker)
Clyde: Hey, I heard you were new around here.
Jason: Oh, hey, Clyde!
Clyde: You know my name?
Jason: Of course I do! I've been looking forward to meeting you since I've moved here!
Clyde: R-really? Why?
Jason: Because you're THE Mosquito, right?
Clyde: *whispers* Don't tell anyone.
Jason: Heh, my name's Jason.
Clyde: Okay, see ya!
Jason: Okay, let's see here...
(ANOTHER TRANSITION)
The Coon: Dark times are ahead, Coon Friends. We don't know if we can trust this new kid.
Toolshed: Why should we worry? He seems pretty nice to me.
The Coon: But we've only known him for about a day. Don't think he's automatically nice. He must be scanned by Super Craig.
Super Craig: I am out of fucks to give. *middle finger* I have no idea who this new kid is.
Human Kite: Let's give him another day or two to figure out who he is. Then we'll kidnap him and he'll be analyzed by Super Craig.
Wonder Tweek: I LIKE THAT IDEA!
The Coon: Then it's final. This Friday, it all goes down.
*BRRRRRING!*
Stan: *closes locker* Hey Jason, who are you texting?
Jason: This girl named Wendy Testaburger.
Stan: Wh-what?
Jason: Yeah dude. I've been trying to hook up with her for a couple days, no luck yet. She's been pretty nice to me though. Anyway, maybe we can play after school.
Stan: (And the best WTF goes to...Jason!)
*crickets*
The Coon: Any updates on Jason yet?
Super Craig: Wonder Tweek and I ran into him. He seems like a nice guy.
Human Kite: Toolshed, you look mad.
Toolshed: THAT'S BECAUSE I AM MAD!
Fastpass: Woah, dude, c-c-c-c-calm down.
Toolshed: I CAN'T! Wendy, er, I mean Call Girl, had already broken up with Tupperware! This was my only chance to get her back, and Jason's already f*cking her!
Human Kite: Toolshed, calm down!
Professor Timothy: TIMMEH! (He's not kidding. Wendy and Jason will be going on their first date...erm...about a week from now.)
The Coon: Good. Then Toolshed will have time to get her back. Our universe is out of balance. We have to find a way to get Jason stabilized, or there will be consequences.
*BRRRRRRING!*
Jason: *hums*
Stan: *slams against locker*
Jason: Ow!
Stan: WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!
Jason: W-what?
Stan: I said...WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!
Jason: What do you think my problem is?
Stan: You think you can just hook up with my ex like that?
Jason: What?
Stan: YOU HEARD ME!
Jason: Stan, what's up with you?
Stan: YOU KNOW WHAT'S UP WITH ME!
Jason: I didn't know Wendy was your ex-girlfriend!
(crowd gathers)
Stan: DID YOU?! DID YOU REALLY?!
Jason: No!
Stan: THEN HOW COME YOU'RE RUBBING IT IN MY FACE?!
Jason: When did I ever do that?
Stan: *punches in the face* Is THIS what she sees in you? A WIMP?!
Jason: Ow...
Crowd: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Stan: (throws to another locker)
Jason: Stan, I don't want to fight!
Stan: Well, you're getting one anyway! (knocks out)
Jason: Ungh, ow... (collapses)
(TRANSITION AGAIN)
Jason: Kyle, you have to help me!
Kyle: What is it?
Jason: Stan's really mad at me, because apparently I'm dating his ex-girlfriend!
Kyle: So? Like he gives a shit about Wendy anymore!
Jason: He gave me THIS black eye and gave me a concussion for it!
Kyle: What? That's not normal for Stan, he didn't fight Token for her.
Jason: He didn't? Then why did he fight me?
Kyle: We'll decide that later.
*crickets*
Mr. Garrison: Okay class, I want you to copy these math problems before recess.
Kyle: *writes note* *hands it to Butters* *whispers* Give it to Jason.
Butters: *nod* (passes it to Jason)
Jason: Ten-fourteenths times sixty-hundredths equals...huh?
Meet me at my house at exactly 6:00 PM. Bring your phone, and don't be late.
-Kyle
Jason: Huh...
Mr. Garrison: Jason? Jason, what is that in your hand?
Jason: What? Oh, it's nothing, Mr. Garrison, it's just some scrap paper I'm using.
Kyle: (looks back) *nod*
Jason: *nod*
(TRANSITION TIME)
Kyle: About time you came. My parents aren't here, you don't have to use caution.
(they go upstairs)
Kyle: You need to know something, Jason. I'm a part of a secret superhero league known as the Coon & Friends. (opens drawer) I am known as the Human Kite.
Jason: Wow...
Kyle: You brought your phone?
Jason: Right here.
Kyle: Open up Coonstagram.
Jason: What?
Kyle: Instagram.
Jason: Okay.
Kyle: Look up "Coon & Friends"
Jason: Okay.
Kyle: Follow us.
Jason: Done.
Kyle: You can't tell anyone I'm doing this. Come back here tomorrow at the same time, and come up with a superhero by then. Got it?
Jason: Uh, okay.
*BRRRRRRING!*
Jason: (Just stay out of Stan's view, and everything will be just fine.)
Clyde: Hey Jason, what's with you and Stan?
Jason: He's just jealous that I'm dating Wendy, I guess.
Clyde: Oh, well that kinda sucks.
Meanwhile...
Kyle: Cartman, there's something wrong with Stan. He's acting like you.
Cartman: It's probably that coffee from Tweak Bros. Coffee that I got him the night before that whole fight happened.
Kyle: WHAT?!
Cartman: Yeah, I put pills in it that cup that would make him a bully.
Kyle: YOU BASTARD, WHERE'S THE ANTIDOTE?!
Cartman: Not important.
Kyle: Why did you drug him in the first place?
Cartman: Because I knew we couldn't trust him.
Kyle: He's been here for a week!
Cartman: Yeah, everyone's loving him now! He's trying to lure us into something!
Kyle: No he isn't!
Cartman: And how do you know that?
...
Kyle: Expect company.
*BRRRRRING!*
Kyle: You know the plan, right?
Jason: Indeed. Tonight, right?
Kyle: Right. See you then.
(OMFG TRANSITION)
Kyle: This is your superhero costume. I made what you asked for.
Jason: Thanks, Kyle, you're a real pal. (puts on costume) They know me as...THE SCHOOLMASTER!
(CHARACTER INTRO INTENSIFIES)
Kyle: Alright, Jason. Cartman wanted to fight you. He says if you win, he'll make Stan barf out the bully pill. If you don't...well...he'll stay that way.
Jason: Well, I guess we should get going.
*more crickets*
Coon: So...you came.
Schoolmaster: You bet I did. (throws Paper Clip Shurikens)
Coon: (slashes them)
Schoolmaster: Impressive. Lucky for me, I brought some backup.
Human Kite: Coon, this isn't good for Toolshed. If we keep him this way, then he'll be a bully for the rest of our lives. We have to get that pill out while we still can.
Toolshed: What did you say about me?
Schoolmaster: Toolshed?
Coon: You thought I wouldn't bring backup too?
Human Kite: Toolshed, this isn't good for you. Remember who Toolshed REALLY is.
Toolshed: Normal Toolshed is no more.
Coon: Heh heh, I put that line in the pill.
Human Kite: What?! Ugh, that's it! Leme at 'im!
DEFEAT THE COON!
Coon: You made a terrible mistake, Kite. (slashes)
Human Kite: Nonsense.
Schoolmaster: My turn. (grabs Ruler Swords)
Toolshed: Dammit!
(Fractured But Whole goes on or something)
VICTORY!
Coon: Ugh...fine. Hey Toolshed.
Toolshed: What?
Coon: (shows penis)
Toolshed: BLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
Schoolmaster: About time.
Toolshed: What happened...
Human Kite: Coon gave you pills to say the least.
Toolshed: Oh, shit, I'm sorry guys.
Schoolmaster: It's okay, Toolshed. Hey, where did Coon go?
Human Kite: Must've been too stupid for him to admit. Come on guys, let's go home.
Schoolmaster: I swear, the first thing I'll do the next time I see Wendy is break up with her.
Toolshed: Too late now.
Hippy Dude: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.
Jason, Kyle, and Stan: Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation!
Hippy Dude: Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.
Cartman: Ample parking day or night, people spouting "Howdy neighbor!"
Hippy Dude: Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.
Kenny: (muffled stuff)
Hippy Dude: Come on down to South Park, and meet some friends o' mine!
Kyle: Hey, have you guys heard about that new kid who's coming to school today?
Stan: I hope his farts aren't powerful.
Kenny: (muffled stuff)
Cartman: ...yeah.
Jason: Oh, hey guys.
Stan: Oh, hey, you're at our bus stop?
Jason: Yeah, I'm pretty sure you guys at least saw the boxes of me moving in next to Stan, right?
Cartman: What?
Stan: Oh, I thought that was a different guy. People move here all the time.
Jason: Nope, it was me.
Stan: What did you say your name was?
Jason: Jason.
Stan: Well, okay.
Cartman: Ha, he looks like a jew!
Jason: That's because I am a jew.
Cartman: HA! Haha! Hahaha!
Kyle: It's gonna be a looong life for you, Jason.
(TRANSITION)
Butters: Well, it was nice meeting you, Jason.
Jason: You too. Have a nice day, Butters! (opens locker)
Clyde: Hey, I heard you were new around here.
Jason: Oh, hey, Clyde!
Clyde: You know my name?
Jason: Of course I do! I've been looking forward to meeting you since I've moved here!
Clyde: R-really? Why?
Jason: Because you're THE Mosquito, right?
Clyde: *whispers* Don't tell anyone.
Jason: Heh, my name's Jason.
Clyde: Okay, see ya!
Jason: Okay, let's see here...
(ANOTHER TRANSITION)
The Coon: Dark times are ahead, Coon Friends. We don't know if we can trust this new kid.
Toolshed: Why should we worry? He seems pretty nice to me.
The Coon: But we've only known him for about a day. Don't think he's automatically nice. He must be scanned by Super Craig.
Super Craig: I am out of fucks to give. *middle finger* I have no idea who this new kid is.
Human Kite: Let's give him another day or two to figure out who he is. Then we'll kidnap him and he'll be analyzed by Super Craig.
Wonder Tweek: I LIKE THAT IDEA!
The Coon: Then it's final. This Friday, it all goes down.
*BRRRRRING!*
Stan: *closes locker* Hey Jason, who are you texting?
Jason: This girl named Wendy Testaburger.
Stan: Wh-what?
Jason: Yeah dude. I've been trying to hook up with her for a couple days, no luck yet. She's been pretty nice to me though. Anyway, maybe we can play after school.
Stan: (And the best WTF goes to...Jason!)
*crickets*
The Coon: Any updates on Jason yet?
Super Craig: Wonder Tweek and I ran into him. He seems like a nice guy.
Human Kite: Toolshed, you look mad.
Toolshed: THAT'S BECAUSE I AM MAD!
Fastpass: Woah, dude, c-c-c-c-calm down.
Toolshed: I CAN'T! Wendy, er, I mean Call Girl, had already broken up with Tupperware! This was my only chance to get her back, and Jason's already f*cking her!
Human Kite: Toolshed, calm down!
Professor Timothy: TIMMEH! (He's not kidding. Wendy and Jason will be going on their first date...erm...about a week from now.)
The Coon: Good. Then Toolshed will have time to get her back. Our universe is out of balance. We have to find a way to get Jason stabilized, or there will be consequences.
*BRRRRRRING!*
Jason: *hums*
Stan: *slams against locker*
Jason: Ow!
Stan: WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!
Jason: W-what?
Stan: I said...WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!
Jason: What do you think my problem is?
Stan: You think you can just hook up with my ex like that?
Jason: What?
Stan: YOU HEARD ME!
Jason: Stan, what's up with you?
Stan: YOU KNOW WHAT'S UP WITH ME!
Jason: I didn't know Wendy was your ex-girlfriend!
(crowd gathers)
Stan: DID YOU?! DID YOU REALLY?!
Jason: No!
Stan: THEN HOW COME YOU'RE RUBBING IT IN MY FACE?!
Jason: When did I ever do that?
Stan: *punches in the face* Is THIS what she sees in you? A WIMP?!
Jason: Ow...
Crowd: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Stan: (throws to another locker)
Jason: Stan, I don't want to fight!
Stan: Well, you're getting one anyway! (knocks out)
Jason: Ungh, ow... (collapses)
(TRANSITION AGAIN)
Jason: Kyle, you have to help me!
Kyle: What is it?
Jason: Stan's really mad at me, because apparently I'm dating his ex-girlfriend!
Kyle: So? Like he gives a shit about Wendy anymore!
Jason: He gave me THIS black eye and gave me a concussion for it!
Kyle: What? That's not normal for Stan, he didn't fight Token for her.
Jason: He didn't? Then why did he fight me?
Kyle: We'll decide that later.
*crickets*
Mr. Garrison: Okay class, I want you to copy these math problems before recess.
Kyle: *writes note* *hands it to Butters* *whispers* Give it to Jason.
Butters: *nod* (passes it to Jason)
Jason: Ten-fourteenths times sixty-hundredths equals...huh?
Meet me at my house at exactly 6:00 PM. Bring your phone, and don't be late.
-Kyle
Jason: Huh...
Mr. Garrison: Jason? Jason, what is that in your hand?
Jason: What? Oh, it's nothing, Mr. Garrison, it's just some scrap paper I'm using.
Kyle: (looks back) *nod*
Jason: *nod*
(TRANSITION TIME)
Kyle: About time you came. My parents aren't here, you don't have to use caution.
(they go upstairs)
Kyle: You need to know something, Jason. I'm a part of a secret superhero league known as the Coon & Friends. (opens drawer) I am known as the Human Kite.
Jason: Wow...
Kyle: You brought your phone?
Jason: Right here.
Kyle: Open up Coonstagram.
Jason: What?
Kyle: Instagram.
Jason: Okay.
Kyle: Look up "Coon & Friends"
Jason: Okay.
Kyle: Follow us.
Jason: Done.
Kyle: You can't tell anyone I'm doing this. Come back here tomorrow at the same time, and come up with a superhero by then. Got it?
Jason: Uh, okay.
*BRRRRRRING!*
Jason: (Just stay out of Stan's view, and everything will be just fine.)
Clyde: Hey Jason, what's with you and Stan?
Jason: He's just jealous that I'm dating Wendy, I guess.
Clyde: Oh, well that kinda sucks.
Meanwhile...
Kyle: Cartman, there's something wrong with Stan. He's acting like you.
Cartman: It's probably that coffee from Tweak Bros. Coffee that I got him the night before that whole fight happened.
Kyle: WHAT?!
Cartman: Yeah, I put pills in it that cup that would make him a bully.
Kyle: YOU BASTARD, WHERE'S THE ANTIDOTE?!
Cartman: Not important.
Kyle: Why did you drug him in the first place?
Cartman: Because I knew we couldn't trust him.
Kyle: He's been here for a week!
Cartman: Yeah, everyone's loving him now! He's trying to lure us into something!
Kyle: No he isn't!
Cartman: And how do you know that?
...
Kyle: Expect company.
*BRRRRRING!*
Kyle: You know the plan, right?
Jason: Indeed. Tonight, right?
Kyle: Right. See you then.
(OMFG TRANSITION)
Kyle: This is your superhero costume. I made what you asked for.
Jason: Thanks, Kyle, you're a real pal. (puts on costume) They know me as...THE SCHOOLMASTER!
(CHARACTER INTRO INTENSIFIES)
Kyle: Alright, Jason. Cartman wanted to fight you. He says if you win, he'll make Stan barf out the bully pill. If you don't...well...he'll stay that way.
Jason: Well, I guess we should get going.
*more crickets*
Coon: So...you came.
Schoolmaster: You bet I did. (throws Paper Clip Shurikens)
Coon: (slashes them)
Schoolmaster: Impressive. Lucky for me, I brought some backup.
Human Kite: Coon, this isn't good for Toolshed. If we keep him this way, then he'll be a bully for the rest of our lives. We have to get that pill out while we still can.
Toolshed: What did you say about me?
Schoolmaster: Toolshed?
Coon: You thought I wouldn't bring backup too?
Human Kite: Toolshed, this isn't good for you. Remember who Toolshed REALLY is.
Toolshed: Normal Toolshed is no more.
Coon: Heh heh, I put that line in the pill.
Human Kite: What?! Ugh, that's it! Leme at 'im!
DEFEAT THE COON!
Coon: You made a terrible mistake, Kite. (slashes)
Human Kite: Nonsense.
Schoolmaster: My turn. (grabs Ruler Swords)
Toolshed: Dammit!
(Fractured But Whole goes on or something)
VICTORY!
Coon: Ugh...fine. Hey Toolshed.
Toolshed: What?
Coon: (shows penis)
Toolshed: BLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
Schoolmaster: About time.
Toolshed: What happened...
Human Kite: Coon gave you pills to say the least.
Toolshed: Oh, shit, I'm sorry guys.
Schoolmaster: It's okay, Toolshed. Hey, where did Coon go?
Human Kite: Must've been too stupid for him to admit. Come on guys, let's go home.
Schoolmaster: I swear, the first thing I'll do the next time I see Wendy is break up with her.
Toolshed: Too late now.