Suicide.
It was probably our family’s middle name.
It all started when I was five. My only family back then was my mom and her Pokémon, a Meowth named Lectore. They were my only family. My support. My pillars.
When I got bullied at school for looking nothing like my mom and I cried. I cried harder when they said that maybe mom just adopted me out of pity.
I started to believe them, I mean I looked nothing like my mom. She has a beautiful tan skin, dark chocolate eyes and mahogany colored hair while I have white hair, gray eyes and too pale of a skin color. She was chocolate and I was milk. Brown and white.
That thought always made me laugh but at the moment it only served to make me cry harder.
They were right. They were right. I’m just adopted because my own parents doesn’t want a freak like me. She only let me live with her because she pity me.
I run home, with this thoughts swirling in my head, crying and wailing but when I reach our gate I stop and tried to compose myself. I wipe away the tears and snot as best as I could but they just keep coming as my thoughts got darker and darker.
It was getting harder to breath properly so I breath on my mouth rapidly, trying to inhale as much air as possible but it only hurts my dry throat and make it impossible to breath with the pain. So without my permission or knowing I crumble and scream in pain, clutching my chest as if reaching out to my lungs to get them working. It didn’t.
I didn’t notice Lectore and mom who screamed as she saw my pathetic state, running towards me. I wanted to get away, I don’t want her into this, I don’t want her to see me like this. I want to disappear.
Just disappear, she’ll be better off without you.
My arms flew to my ears as I clutch them and screamed to drown out the bitter reality the drip in their words. My classmates words mixing in, strangers judgmental words accusing me and my mother for being a love child or a whore (I have no idea what it was at that time but I had a feeling it was a horrible insult) and then my mom’s voice. She was so disappointed, so disgusted and… regretful.
I screamed harder and harder. Until a pair of warm arms embrace me.
It calmed me down just a bit but it didn’t stop my cries and rapid breathing. I was surprised that I didn’t pass out since I screamed and probably let out a lot of air that I’m already lacking.
Then a hand combed over my mess of a hair, a gentle and worried voice instructed me to take a deep breath and calm down. It told me that it well be okay. That I’m not alone. Soft paws rubbed circles on my back and there were soft meows mixing with the voice.
I knew who they are. I don’t want them here. They shouldn’t be here. They shouldn’t care. I’m just- just… a waste of space.
The voice continue to spoke words of reassurance along with the meows and I found myself slowly calming down, taking deep breathes. It was heaven and hell to know that I could still breath, that I could still continue existing. It’s unfair for mom. It’s unfair for everyone. I’m supposed to die, right?
…Right?
I told my mom everything after a couple of cookies and comedy movies, that barely made me laugh cause of my exhaustion but it didn’t fail on making me smile. It’s like nothing happened earlier until I remember what happened and why.
My smile turn into a frown as I stare blankly at the screen. I didn’t notice the tears cascading down my cheeks until my mom brush them away. I looked at her, she was giving me a sad smile, her eyes begging me, pleading me, to talk to her and I did. I cried again, and I hate it. I hyperventilate again and I hate it. My mom grew sadder and sadder and I hate it.
Why do I destroy everything so precious?
It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault. It’s all-
“Twinkle, Twinkle…”
I blink as she embrace me again and shifting me so I’m sitting on her lap. Lectore moved to sit on mine, I looked at her with my tear stained eyes and she smiled.
“C’mon, darling the song wont be perfect if were not singing together.” I sniffed and stare at her for a second trying to comprehend this situation but I nodded anyway. My mom could be weird but I cant disappoint her. Not anymore.
So I sing along, the movie on the background completely forgotten. We sing and sing and sing, teasing each other when we trip on the notes and the lyrics. Laughing and smiling as we both sing.
I instantly felt better but my heart still felt heavy and in every song that dark voice would open its mouth and whisper quick heartbreaking messages. I didn’t show it. We were having fun, I’m not ruining it.
Lectore at some point decided to leave, I didn’t know where to but he immediately got back with a book in his paws. My eyes widen, and cringe discreetly thinking it was probably my homework but as I looked closer it was only our photo album. I cheered inside, as I looked at it with curiosity. Mom grabbed the book as Lectore went back to his place at my lap.
Mom gave me a smile as she opened the album. I was shocked and embarrass to see my infant self. My jaws dropped and my face burn in embarrassment as my mom chuckled. “This is you in the hospital, see those arms. Those were mine.” I looked at the tan skin and instantly knew it was mom’s arm.
“I didn’t let them take me in the picture cause I wanted you to take the whole piece. I brought you to this world, alive and healthy. It was your time to shine. Your my pride and joy, chica. No matter the form or the looks. You…”
She gently grabbed my chin and slowly make me turn towards her. Her eyes were sparkling with the words she spoke, her tone coating by it as well.
“… are my child. MY child. Your mine and I’m yours.”
My chin wobbled as more tears gather. I hugged her and silently cry. That’s right. I’m her child. She’s my mom.
No one can change that.
No one.
It was probably our family’s middle name.
It all started when I was five. My only family back then was my mom and her Pokémon, a Meowth named Lectore. They were my only family. My support. My pillars.
When I got bullied at school for looking nothing like my mom and I cried. I cried harder when they said that maybe mom just adopted me out of pity.
I started to believe them, I mean I looked nothing like my mom. She has a beautiful tan skin, dark chocolate eyes and mahogany colored hair while I have white hair, gray eyes and too pale of a skin color. She was chocolate and I was milk. Brown and white.
That thought always made me laugh but at the moment it only served to make me cry harder.
They were right. They were right. I’m just adopted because my own parents doesn’t want a freak like me. She only let me live with her because she pity me.
I run home, with this thoughts swirling in my head, crying and wailing but when I reach our gate I stop and tried to compose myself. I wipe away the tears and snot as best as I could but they just keep coming as my thoughts got darker and darker.
It was getting harder to breath properly so I breath on my mouth rapidly, trying to inhale as much air as possible but it only hurts my dry throat and make it impossible to breath with the pain. So without my permission or knowing I crumble and scream in pain, clutching my chest as if reaching out to my lungs to get them working. It didn’t.
I didn’t notice Lectore and mom who screamed as she saw my pathetic state, running towards me. I wanted to get away, I don’t want her into this, I don’t want her to see me like this. I want to disappear.
Just disappear, she’ll be better off without you.
My arms flew to my ears as I clutch them and screamed to drown out the bitter reality the drip in their words. My classmates words mixing in, strangers judgmental words accusing me and my mother for being a love child or a whore (I have no idea what it was at that time but I had a feeling it was a horrible insult) and then my mom’s voice. She was so disappointed, so disgusted and… regretful.
I screamed harder and harder. Until a pair of warm arms embrace me.
It calmed me down just a bit but it didn’t stop my cries and rapid breathing. I was surprised that I didn’t pass out since I screamed and probably let out a lot of air that I’m already lacking.
Then a hand combed over my mess of a hair, a gentle and worried voice instructed me to take a deep breath and calm down. It told me that it well be okay. That I’m not alone. Soft paws rubbed circles on my back and there were soft meows mixing with the voice.
I knew who they are. I don’t want them here. They shouldn’t be here. They shouldn’t care. I’m just- just… a waste of space.
The voice continue to spoke words of reassurance along with the meows and I found myself slowly calming down, taking deep breathes. It was heaven and hell to know that I could still breath, that I could still continue existing. It’s unfair for mom. It’s unfair for everyone. I’m supposed to die, right?
…Right?
I told my mom everything after a couple of cookies and comedy movies, that barely made me laugh cause of my exhaustion but it didn’t fail on making me smile. It’s like nothing happened earlier until I remember what happened and why.
My smile turn into a frown as I stare blankly at the screen. I didn’t notice the tears cascading down my cheeks until my mom brush them away. I looked at her, she was giving me a sad smile, her eyes begging me, pleading me, to talk to her and I did. I cried again, and I hate it. I hyperventilate again and I hate it. My mom grew sadder and sadder and I hate it.
Why do I destroy everything so precious?
It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault. It’s all-
“Twinkle, Twinkle…”
I blink as she embrace me again and shifting me so I’m sitting on her lap. Lectore moved to sit on mine, I looked at her with my tear stained eyes and she smiled.
“C’mon, darling the song wont be perfect if were not singing together.” I sniffed and stare at her for a second trying to comprehend this situation but I nodded anyway. My mom could be weird but I cant disappoint her. Not anymore.
So I sing along, the movie on the background completely forgotten. We sing and sing and sing, teasing each other when we trip on the notes and the lyrics. Laughing and smiling as we both sing.
I instantly felt better but my heart still felt heavy and in every song that dark voice would open its mouth and whisper quick heartbreaking messages. I didn’t show it. We were having fun, I’m not ruining it.
Lectore at some point decided to leave, I didn’t know where to but he immediately got back with a book in his paws. My eyes widen, and cringe discreetly thinking it was probably my homework but as I looked closer it was only our photo album. I cheered inside, as I looked at it with curiosity. Mom grabbed the book as Lectore went back to his place at my lap.
Mom gave me a smile as she opened the album. I was shocked and embarrass to see my infant self. My jaws dropped and my face burn in embarrassment as my mom chuckled. “This is you in the hospital, see those arms. Those were mine.” I looked at the tan skin and instantly knew it was mom’s arm.
“I didn’t let them take me in the picture cause I wanted you to take the whole piece. I brought you to this world, alive and healthy. It was your time to shine. Your my pride and joy, chica. No matter the form or the looks. You…”
She gently grabbed my chin and slowly make me turn towards her. Her eyes were sparkling with the words she spoke, her tone coating by it as well.
“… are my child. MY child. Your mine and I’m yours.”
My chin wobbled as more tears gather. I hugged her and silently cry. That’s right. I’m her child. She’s my mom.
No one can change that.
No one.