1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

The Adventures of Garrosh Hellscream Chapter 3: The "Hizz-orde"

by KoL

KoL Garrosh meets Draenor's pimp-daddy Danny G and his father Grom Hellscream, and they join forces to do something inevitably stupid.
Kairoz wearily got to his feet and allowed his eyes time to focus before examining his surroundings. He had no idea where - or when – his time travel spell had sent him, and knew full-well what harm could occur if he didn't figure it out soon. “...ugh, where are we?” he muttered to himself more than Garrosh.

“I don't know... but this place looks familiar,” Garrosh answered anyway as he stood, gazing out across the grassy plains.

“Well in any case, we need to figure out where we are both in time and location before we do anything else...” Kairoz explained, hoping Garrosh would be intelligent enough to at least co-operate.

“We should go this way, towards that temple there,” Garrosh pointed ahead at a temple carved out of black stone somewhere in the distance.

“Did... you just come up with a plan?” Kairoz asked Garrosh, slightly amazed.

“I can smell cooked meat in that direction, and I'm hungry. We're going that way,” Garrosh answered, confirming that he was still the same old idiot he always was.

“Ugh... well it's better than no plan at all...” Kairoz said reluctantly.

“After you Doctor!” Garrosh said with a grin; his attempt at humour falling flatter than his attempts at being a good Warchief had done over the last two expansions. Kairoz groaned and led the way.

“Hmm, there's something going on here,” Garrosh said, as if the massive, noisy crowd standing outside the stone temple didn't give that fact away itself. Before Kairoz could answer, a voice echoed across the entire crowd, emanating from the temple.

“Hello my fellow orcs and clansmen, I am Ner'Zhul...” the elderly-looking orc called out, somewhat wearily by the sounds of it, Kairoz thought to himself. “Allow me to welcome your leader... the... ugh, do I have to read this?” Ner'Zhul asked, almost pleadingly, to someone out of sight somewhere behind him; although Garrosh and Kairoz couldn't hear the other person's reply, it was obvious what they'd answered with. “Allow me to welcome the pimp-daddy of the Horde, Shadowmoon's Danny-G...”

“You can almost taste his pain...” Kairoz muttered to himself, as Garrosh looked on in awe.

“...the lord and master of all that is fel and swag, Gul'Dan.” Ner'Zhul finished, looking like a man who wanted to drop dead there and then just for saying those words. Luckily Gul'Dan spared Ner'Zhul any further embarrassment by hogging the center stage spotlight for him and allowing Ner'Zhul to retreat away before his dignity was crushed further.

“Yoyoyoyoyo it's yo' boi Danny-G, Gangsta-D in the hizz-ouse bitches!!” Gul'Dan screeched to his audience, who erupted in applause. “O-kaaaaaaaay O-kaaaaaaaay, settle down y'all, fo' the time has come to begin our ceremony o' reckonin', to drink the blood of our boys the Burnin' Legion!” This time Garrosh joined in the applause that echoed across the temple grounds, even though Kairoz was certain Garrosh had no idea what “Danny-G” was even trying to say.

“So then, which o' y'all is gonna be the boi who tries the magic brew of the Legion first?” Gul'Dan said, showing the contents of the large chalice he was holding to the audience. The audience cheered once more, but Garrosh's expression changed to one of horror.

“No! I can't allow this!” Garrosh said, charging through the crowd as fast as he could.

“No! Garrosh wait!” Kairoz called after him, following as closely as he could behind him before the spaces in the crowd closed up again.

“Aww, big G! You gonna be the first?” Gul'Dan called to a tall orc at the front of the crowd as Garrosh charged forward, an orc who Garrosh recognized immediately.

“DAD! NO!!” Garrosh yelled, charging through the crowd even faster, to the displeasure of all the people he was pushing past and Kairoz, who was still trying to placate him. “NO! I cannot allow this!!” Garrosh screamed once he'd reached the front of the crowd, drawing the attention of both Grom and Gul'Dan at the temple gates.

“N'awwww man it ain't goin' down like this, 'da fuck are you s'posed to be?” Gul'Dan yelled back at Garrosh.

“Dad, I can't allow you to do this!” Garrosh yelled as he approached Grom and Gul'Dan.

“Wh-wha-? Dad? Big G, dis yo' boi?” Gul'Dan asked Grom. Grom looked as nonplussed as Gul'Dan, but stepped forward to examine Garrosh all the same.

“Hmm...” Grom said as he looked over his son from the future. “There's only one way to know for sure... Garrosh!”
“Yes?” Garrosh replied, grinning like a child.

“What is 1 + 1?” Grom asked. Kairoz knew exactly what would happen next, and as Garrosh's expression changed to one of deep thought, he felt his insides curdle at the thought of having patnered up with quite possibly the dumbest moron in all of Azeroth. After what felt like an eternity Garrosh finally answered.

“Eleven!” Garrosh yelled out proudly, grinning widely. Grom glared at him for a few seconds.

“...son!! It is you!!” Grom cried out happily, embracing Garrosh. “When did you get so big?”

“Umm...” Garrosh began to answer, but Kairoz stepped forward.

“I think I can field that one. Myself and Garrosh came from a future timeline it would seem. This is your son 30 years from now, or thereabout,” Kairoz explained.

“Hmm... how strange, but you're definitely my boy, no doubt,” Grom said. Kairoz felt quite embarrassed for Garrosh knowing that Grom identified him purely by his stupidity.

“Yo yo yo, Big G I happy for you n'all but yo' boi be hatin' big time, tryin' to stop our ceremony,” Gul'Dan interrupted. “Dat shit ain't gonna fly 'round here yo.”

“No! Wait!” Garrosh said to Gul'Dan, “Dad, you can't drink that!”

“See? Yo' boi be hatin' hard yo, that ain't fly 'round here.” Gul'Dan answered back angrily.

“But Dad! Hear me out! It looks like Clefthoof piss!” Garrosh said. “Orcs should never drink piss,” he added stupidly.

“Hmm...” Grom thought, examining the glowing, green liquid. Kairoz was horrified that Garrosh thought that this stuff could qualify as urine, but at this stage he knew he was knee-deep in it already and had to just play along with the madness going on around him. “You're right, it does! FELLOW ORCS!” Grom called out to the crowd as Gul'Dan examined the liquid himself, his expression showing that, reluctantly, he had come to the same conclusion as Garrosh and Grom. “We do not drink piss! WE PISS ON OUR ENEMIES AND MAKE THEM DRINK IT INSTEAD!!” Grom called out, the crowd cheering loudly in response. Kairoz felt even more ill than before, while Garrosh smiled proudly at his father.

“Yoyoyoyo, hold on a minute there playa!” Gul'Dan stepped forward to speak to Grom. “If we be concludin' that this shit be piss right here, den what we gonna do instead fo' our amazin' ceremony? Dat “YOLO” shit already ain't flyin' with me after Kay-Jay hooked me up with dem “soulstone” things.”

“We do what all orcs do! WE FIGHT AND CONQUER!!” Garrosh yelled, the crowd now cheering for him.

“Yoyoyo, I'm cool wi' dat but who put yo' ass in charge?” Gul'Dan asked, quite upset that he was being upstaged by Garrosh and Grom.

“Hm, he's right, Danny-G needs to be in charge, it's not the same without him,” Grom agreed, “We should let him make the final choices around here.”
“Anyway, we already be fightin' and conquerin' the Draenei 'round here,” Gul'Dan said.

“Draenei...?” Garrosh asked. Kairoz knew that in his mind, Garrosh was trying to piece together just what a Draenei was.

“Yeah the Draenei, big blue haters dat my boy Kay-Jay be wantin' dead yo,” Gul'Dan explained.

“Hmm,” Garrosh said, now remembering just who and what the Draenei were, “in my world the Draenei allied with other races, they called themselves The Alliance...” Garrosh explained, his voice seething with hate as he said the name. “In fact, they humiliated me! THEY ALL HUMILIATED ME DAD! I MUST GET REVENGE!!” Garrosh yelled out angrily as Grom gaped in horror.

“WHAT!? No-one hurts my boy and gets away with it! Danny-G, we need to kill this Alliance right now!” Grom demanded.

“Yoyoyo didn't I say mah ass was in charge around here, not yo' ass?” Gul'Dan said irritably, “but I like this idea o' yours tho', we smash all these hatin' fools fo' yo' boi and show da whole world why they should fear the Hizz-orde!” Gul'Dan yelled out to the crowd, who cheered loudly yet again.

“Yes! Thank you Dad! You're the best!” Garrosh said, embracing his father.

“It's OK son, no-one will hurt you and get away with it,” Grom said.

“Then it be settled yo! Listen up mah brothers and sisters! Mah boi Big G be spittin' that his boi be bein' hated on by these “Alliance” fools, and ain't nobody got tahm fo' dat!” Gul'Dan yelled out; Kairoz could have turned this into a drinking game with the amount of times the crowd roared their approval, Nozdormu knows he needed the alcohol right now to put up with this. “So ah say dis: We get our shit together, get to steppin' our asses to wherever Big G's boi came from, and slap dese Alliance fools!” Gul'Dan finished, eliciting the same response.

“The only way to get to where we came from is through time travel, and my magic is spent,” Kairoz told Gul'Dan once the crowd had quietened. “I will need to rest before we can make the trip to Azeroth to fight the Alliance.”

“Shiiiit, we can't start right now?” Gul'Dan screeched, “no worries yo', fo' dis gives us tahm to sort out our forces, arm ourselves fo' the fight so that when we get ter dis “Azeroth” side o' tha street, we can slap these fools so hard they won't know what smoked they asses! BROTHERS AND SISTERS!!” Gul'Dan screamed to the crowd, “get yo' asses back home, get yo' shit together, prepare yo'selves for some hater-slappin' and we'll be meetin' up once Doctor Who over here...” Gul'Dan pointed at Kairoz as he named him, causing Kairoz to shake his head in disgust, “... has recharged hi'self so we can hop on his TARDIS all tha' way to Azeroth street yo!” The crowd, once again, cheered as if that was the only response to anything that they could think of.

“Hah! Now the Alliance and the Horde will finally pay for their crimes!” Garrosh muttered to himself within earshot of Kairoz, who could only stare out in horror as he realized he'd just joined forces with the most brutal and idiotic force likely to have ever existed.