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The Legendary Challenger, Pt 1

by TPC IJfish17

TPC IJfish17 My first story.
If there's anything you want to help me fix, feel free to comment about it. :D
The hardest member of the Elite Four, Ryan, found it hard to believe that he'd ever had a challenge like he did with that kid. That kid. He had such a fire in his eyes, a kind of determination that stood out to Ryan. He battled calmly, and observed every move Ryan made instead of talking. He just responded with a move that made sense in every way. Like he planned it. Ryan struggled to remember his name, but after some thought, he found that memory. The kid's name was Brian.

As Ryan got ready to face a new day of challengers, he couldn't stop thinking about Brian. He remembered the last moment in that battle, the look of fire in his eyes as Ryan's last Pokemon went down. Brian smiled, sent his Pokemon back in its ball, and walked over. Unlike some rude challengers, he shook Ryan's hand and walked through the Champion's door. Although he wanted to think about other things as well, he couldn't be late.

He walked outside, and headed toward his room at The Elite Four building, but he had to stop and use the pokemon center. He walked into his room, and he waited for the door to open. When it did, Ryan was shocked. Brian had lost to the Champion, and had to start his challenge again. While he knew the Champion was strong, he thought that Brian's last Pokemon would come through, that he would slowly triumph over his opponent, just like Brian did over Ryan. But, he still had to face him, so he got his poke balls ready, and the second they hit the ground, the smoke from the constant attacking was blinding. He could barely see his Pokemon taking a hard hit from one of Brian's first Pokemon. Ryan figured that this would be a long battle.
  1. ShinyZekrom009
    "The hardest member of the Elite Four, Ryan,..." - I feel that this isn't really necessary, unless evidence is stated that proves he is the most challenging member of the Elite Four. Maybe instead you could say, "Ryan, a member of the prestigious Elite Four,..."

    Also, it seems to be a little rushed, and also confusing. What was happening kind of flew all over the place. First, he was remembering a battle, which seemed as if it had happened a while ago, but apparently had just happened, and yet he couldn't remember the kid's name, after Brian left such an impact on him? How very bizarre :\

    Anyway, in the second paragraph, the last two sentences don't flow together. It's like, the second to last sentence is still talking about Brian, in the past, but then in the next(and last) sentence, it talks about him not wanting to be late, and wanting to think about other things but not having the opportunity to do so. This was very puzzling, with no transition or warning, to just suddenly cut to the present in such a confusing manner.

    Same thing happens in the third paragraph; it doesn't flow well. First, it's saying he has to go to the Pokemon Center, but then, when it opened, it said he was shocked to find out that Brian had lost to the Champion...but there was no explanation for how he found this out. Then, in the next sentence an outrageous time jump occurred. He has just said Brian had lost to the Champion, then in the next sentence, it says he had to get his Pokeballs ready, and then net thing you know, in the same sentence, it says the battle is starting. It just doesn't make sense.

    Anything else has been covered by baratron already.

    Other than that, though, you did great. Improve on this and keep up the good work :)
    Sep 25, 2013
  2. TPC IJfish17
    TPC IJfish17
    Thank you. I probably had thought that the battle was a while ago. And the confusing part about him facing Brian, I see that now. And the Pokemon center part.... Used it LOL. Once again, thank you for your feed back, and I will continue to work and make this story better!

    -TPC IJFish17
    Sep 24, 2013
  3. baratron
    See, I'm a little confused as to why Ryan would have forgotten Brian's name if he was THAT impressed by him. And the tenses are a little strange - it took me several minutes to realise that Ryan's door had opened, revealing that same kid, Brian, as his new challenger.

    Also, the "He walked outside, and headed toward his room at The Elite Four building, but he had to stop and use the pokemon center." part sounds like "but he had to stop and use the bathroom" ;). It's unnecessary to the plot. Of course an Elite Four member would check on the health of their Pokemon every morning. Either mention that he had to pick up a Pokemon who stayed with Nurse Joy overnight, or that he had to have her check them over, or simply don't mention it at all.
    Sep 24, 2013